In between 38 & 39 weeks pregnant I experienced something that I never want to again in my whole life. I debated back and forth about whether or not to write this blog, & as I type I'm still not sure if I'll post it. I can't talk about it or think about it. Anytime I do I just cry and I am while writing this. But every time I give thanks to my God. HE is so good.
But this is my little blog for my thoughts and my feelings and for me to remember. And as much as I don't want to remember this I need to. I need to remember how grateful I am to my God. And maybe this post will help your heart to live in thanksgiving to our Father.
We were still living at my parents house and it was a Wednesday night. I had already gotten the girls ready for Bible class. My parents hadn't come home yet and Lantz was going to meet us at church. I cooked dinner & we were sitting down to eat. Nothing fancy, & a meal we've had a million times. All of the sudden my Sawyer started choking.
It's happened before a few different times, but each time I've just patted her back hard a few times and she's been fine. This was nothing like that. I kept patting and patting and nothing. I hit her harder and harder and she was still trying to gasp for air. I picked her up and held her tilted downward and kept beating her back. I was having a hard time getting her at the right angle because I was so big and pregnant, but I eventually got her in the right position and I kept beating her back. I jammed my hand down her mouth and tried to loosen whatever was in there. I hit and hit & screamed & cried. My sweet girl just kept gasping and gasping and looking at me with sheer terror in her eyes. It's an image that I can't get out of my mind. I couldn't' get whatever was lodged in her throat out. I sat her down and tried to call 9-1-1. She was starting to turn blue and fell over. My hands were shaking and I couldn't dial. I couldn't call. Kennedie was screaming and crying and was so scared and I couldn't attend to her. I got through to 9-1-1 and I just started screaming my parents address over and over. I felt as though I was loosing my daughter. Sawyer was laying on the ground passed out and I just prayed and hit her back again and again & then finally a small piece of sausage came out along with blood. I was on the phone with 9-1-1 just screaming for them to help and send someone as fast as they could. I told them that she spit it up & there was blood. Sawyer just laid there and I kept screaming and hitting her back. She finally opened her eyes and just stared at me. She lay there just looking up at me.... like she was half conscious.
I told the 9-1-1 lady that she was opening her eyes. She finally started looking like she was regaining consciousness. She said that someone was still on there way. I looked at Kennedie and told her it was okay and that Sawyer was going to be okay but I needed her to stop crying so I could talk to the people who were going to help Sawyer.
The lady told me someone should be there soon and told me to call her back if I needed to. I immediately called my grandmother who lived next door because I didn't want her to hear the sirens and freak out. I don't remember if I called Lantz before or after one of the first responders showed up. Sawyer was still laying on the ground when the paramedic got there. She didn't move and I didn't move her because I wasn't sure if I needed to. She had blood all down the front of her shirt and all over my arm and on the floor in the food she spit up. The responder looked at Sawyer and checked her out and told me it was fine to pick her up. A wave of relief spread over me but I was still so frantic.
The rest is a bit of a blur. I held her & just cried. My grandmother & grandfather came over, 3 or 4 more medics came, Lantz came home. One of the paramedics gave Sawyer a teddy bear. They checked her several times. They said that she was fine and that the bleeding may have been from me possibly scratching her throat as I tried to get the food out. They said they could take her to the hospital if I wanted, but that she was okay. I signed some papers and eventually everyone left & we were there as a family of 4.
We said a lot of prayers of thanksgiving. I said a lot of prayers of thanksgiving. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the LORD saved my Sawyer that day. I could not get the food out, no matter how hard I tried it wouldn't come out. HE got it out for me and gave me my girl back.
Words can't even begin to express the emotion I feel when I think of this event. I fall apart if I think of it and in my gut I feel sick with so much pain and yet my hear rejoices and I give praise to my Father.
I love this girl.....
... with all my heart. I love all 3 of my girls. I can't imagine my life without them and I don't want to.
It really puts it all into perspective. After my last blog post--It didn't matter any more if I had to have a c-section-- as long as I had all three of my girls & they were healthy. I didn't care if my house was finished or not. Who cares what the wall color is? I had my girls & my husband.
I write all of this with my heart full of gratitude. I know many people have not had the same outcome, and I truly can't imagine the pain of loosing a child. I don't want to know that pain ever.
All of this makes me hold my girls tighter, give more kisses, say "I love you" more, and pray even more prayers of thanksgiving.
It makes me think of the cross. It makes me think of how much my Father must have loved me to watch his son suffer in pain and not take him off for my sake. O Lord, you O Lord, are precious and your love for me is unfathomable.
Lord God, thank you, thank you, thank you for my Sawyer. Thank you for saving her life and letting me be her Mommy each day. Thank you for Kennedie & Preslee and for letting me be their Mommy each day. Thank Lord for my girls. Thank you for giving up your son for my sake... to be with me. Your love is amazing. I love so imperfectly, but I pray that your perfect love would spill out of me and onto my girls. Father may your perfect love and peace that surpasses all understanding be upon those who have had to experience the loss of a child. May you fill them in a way that brings healing. I love you Lord. In Jesus holy name, Amen.